Tag Archives: father

Just This Once

Just This Once

I hear the whistle of a distant train,
an echo at the end of a long day.
A light snow falls against the windowpane,
from dark mottled skies of purple and gray.

Upon the mantel sits a vintage vase,
wilted flowers filled with sorrow and rue.
My eyes blur, drawn into the torrid blaze,
my mind flooding with memories of you.

Just this once I let myself fall apart,
bracing against the treacherous weather.
Emotions unravel my battered heart,
Longing for just one more day together.

Your presence fills my soul with warmth and light,
and the pain fades into the depths of night.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2024
February 24, 2024

Happy Saturday! I hope you are having a nice weekend. We have no plans this weekend, except for chores and errands. And that’s just fine with me!

We got together with my family last Sunday to celebrate my nephew Gabe’s 14th birthday! I can’t believe how time flies. Seeing family is always a fun time, but afterwards my thoughts always turn to Dad. How I wish that he was still here, able to see his growing family and share in all the love. He has been gone for exactly 21 years now, and he is missed by all those who loved him.

I guess that is what this sonnet is about, missing a lost loved one, dealing with the pain and moving forward without them. It is tough at times. It’s not as difficult as in the early years, but there are still moments it hits me out of the blue. Something sparks a memory, or I see a picture…. I just let myself feel the emotions, fall apart, cry, pray, and then breathe deep. I hope that when you experience such a loss, that you can do the same. Find a way to release that emotion, don’t let it build up. Express yourself, hug someone, cry, journal, listen to music, call a friend or family member, get productive, exercise, clean, cook, whatever it takes to heal.

That’s all for now. Have a lovely weekend!

xoxo
Colleen

Mood: Pensive
Inspiration: “Experience” by my fav Ludovico Einaudi

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 34.15 – Just This Once
Hard Bonus: Include a vintage vase and dried flowers
Easy Bonus: Incorporate an echo

Washed Out to Sea

Washed Out to Sea

I sit upon the craggy rocks
Fluffy white clouds float by in flocks
The past, a distant memory
As the tide washes out to sea.

My heart feels hollow, left behind
Tears of sorrow render me blind
Whispers to heaven, fervent plea
As the tide washes out to sea.

Take me with you, far and away
To golden fields and jasmine sway
Our haven for eternity
As the tide washes out to sea.

I sit upon the craggy rocks
As the tide washes out to sea.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2024
February 10, 2024

Hello everyone – hope you are having a great week! This was Writer’s Choice Week in Blogophilia, so I could write as my heart desired.

Next week marks the 21st Anniversary of my father’s passing; he died of lung cancer on February 17, 2003. This poem is dedicated to him. The pain of losing him will never, ever go away. Dad was a “gentle giant” and my protector. He was the strong and silent one who was always looking out for me during my life, even when I didn’t want him to. Everyone loved and gravitated to him, especially babies and children. He was an inspiration for all his five children, and countless grandchildren. I miss his comforting presence, his voice, his hugs, his sense of humor, his hearty laugh, his love for life. I even miss his funny, prolific sneezes (he could sneeze like 15 times in a row)! Dad was a great cook, a bird nerd and a music lover, which I believe all of us kids inherited from him. For some reason, the past few weeks I have found myself thinking of him at the end of the day and releasing a few tears. He died far too young at the age of 68, and we all wish we had more time with him.

That said, I am instead trying to focus on the beautiful memories and the blessings that I have received from Dad throughout my life, which are plentiful. Some of the best memories I have are just of BEING with him…. going to work at the rail yards, playing ball in the backyard, watching the fireworks from our playroom window, summer nights sitting on the front porch, listening to music, watching hockey, driving trips, rocking on hotel porch chairs simply watching and listening to the ocean… He may not have been perfect, as we are all flawed in some way, but he was the perfect Dad for me. I miss you and love you, Daddy!

May you all have a Happy Valentine’s Day – remember to cherish those you love, and always take the opportunity to show them and tell them how much you love them!!! ❤

xoxo,
Colleen

Mood: Sad
Inspiration: “Dear Father” by Neil Diamond – Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Dad’s favorite

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 32.15 – WRITER’S CHOICE – Washed Out
Hard Bonus: WRITER’S CHOICE – Include your favorite flower (jasmine)
Easy Bonus: WRITER’S CHOICE – Incorporate floating clouds

Lost At Sea

Lost at Sea

The stars are falling cold
from the moonlit velvet sky
their light disappearing
into clouds of indigo.

Beyond the faded sun
the angry sea roils and churns
waves crash on craggy rocks
as a bitter wind blusters.

Memories crash and burn
as I sink into the void
forever lost at sea
a rogue letter gone missing.

Tears burn along my eyes
unleashing trail of sorrow
I brace against the pain
holding on until morning.

As a new dawn blossoms
I bask in your warm presence
as your soft voice whispers
my soul is renewed with hope.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
December 2, 2023

Happy Saturday! Wow, I can’t believe it is already December. Where did this year go?

This poem was inspired by reading Dylan Thomas poetry. I was particularly struck by the line “the stars are falling cold,” and that got me thinking about my Dad and the void that I feel every holiday season without him here. Lately I am feeling my mortality watching the years rush by and seeing the aging process in my mom, my relatives and even myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m on the sinking Titanic, panic washing over me. It’s been extremely sad to see many of my relatives pass away during the last 15 years. There are so many fond memories of all of them, and I miss them deeply.

It’s that time of year when Christmas preparations are in full swing. I did a lot of Black Friday through Cyber Monday online shopping last week, avoiding the crowds at the stores. Since we’re traveling during the holidays, I am having many of the gifts shipped to Katie’s house so I can avoid overloading the car. That means I’ll have some wrapping to do when we arrive down there, but that’s okay.

Today it’s a foggy, relatively warm day. We plan to put up a few outdoor lights, but we’re scaling our usual decorating back since we’ll be gone for the last 10 days of December. I am doing some country country style BBQ pork ribs in the crockpot and rice/black beans for dinner. I am also hoping to get out for a run this afternoon since it’s going to hit 60 degrees.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend, and may you be filled with the spirit of the holiday season!

Xoxo,
Colleen

Mood: Introspective
Inspiration: “Woven Song” by Olafur Arnalds

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 22.15 – A Letter Came in the Mail
Hard Bonus: Quote Dylan Thomas (“The stars are falling cold” & “That burns along my eyes”)
Easy Bonus: Name a ship (Titanic)

Soundtrack of My Life

Soundtrack of My Life

Early in the morning, just before dawn
I stood alone on the rocky shore
pondering sorrows of this world
as I watched the crashing tide
the music hit me hard
washing over me
flooding my veins
with intense
waves of
grief
chords
of hope
filled the air
bringing to mind
treasured memories
the soundtrack of my life
lifted my heart from dark depths
like the sun breaking through the sky
I saw your smiling face in the clouds
comforted you are watching over me.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
October 21, 2023

Hello family and friends! I hope everyone is doing well.

I loved the topic in our challenge this week. Music is the soundtrack of my life, and a balm for my soul. It can trigger both good and bad memories, and it affects us so profoundly. Most of the times, I have found it to be completely healing. So many childhood memories come to the surface when I listen to certain classical pieces. My Dad absolutely loved classical music and it seemed to be playing nonstop at our house growing up. This poem is dedicated to him. I miss him profoundly, even after 20 years.  

I have music playing almost 24/7, except when I’m sleeping. Even then, music appears in my dreams! I love pretty much all genres except for country and some rap. About two years ago I subscribed to Apple Music, which is nice, as you access to virtually any song you wish. I love making up Apple playlists for different moods or situations – chill, romantic, 70’s, running, writing inspiration, driving, etc. Classical and ambient music calm me down, and that is usually what I have playing on low volume when I work. For an outdoor run, I have a playlist with a variety of high energy songs that motivates me. I never listen to the radio because I despise commercials, and a playlist eliminates that – plus I love that I can skip through a song I don’t really want to hear. What role does music play in your life?

Next Thursday, I’ll be traveling solo to Florida to spend Halloween with my beautiful grandkids. I can’t wait, I miss them so much! Dan is busy with a project, and I’m grateful to be able to have this time with them. Other than that, life has been feeling a little heavy with all that’s going on in the world. All I can do is pray and try to alleviate my anxieties about what’s going on in this world right now. Music is helping with that, and so will a visit with my loved ones. I wish you all health, peace, love and healing music!

Xoxo,
Colleen

Mood: Reflective
Inspiration: Beethoven ~ “Symphony No. 5”

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 16.15 – When the Music Hits You
Hard Bonus: Use a Flaming Lips lyric (“Early in the morning, just before dawn”; “watched the crashing tide”; “like the sun breaking through the sky”)
Easy Bonus: Include your favorite dog’s name (Rocky – best boxer ever!)

Lucky Charms

Lucky Charms

Gold
sunlight
on waters
aquamarine
embryonic warmth
seafoam between my toes
I reach my arms to the sea
my thoughts ramble and turn to you
summer breezes and rocking chairs
crashing ocean waves, music to our ears
beachcombing, scooping fingers snag treasures
scallops, lightning whelk and fighting conch
mollusks covered in silken moss
seashells bring sweet memories
grateful for your presence
counting my blessings
as I hold close
my precious
lucky
charms

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
March 17, 2023

Sláinte!!!  I hope everyone had a Happy St. Patrick’s Day yesterday! Dan and I both had to work all day, but he stopped by Wegmans and got me some salmon to make Salmon Teriyaki, baked sweet potatoes and roasted asparagus for dinner. Yum, that has become our favorite meal! So that was our St. Patrick’s Day celebration.

I wrote this double etheree poem yesterday, thinking of what my lucky charms are and how to integrate the challenge prompts this week. Well, my family and cats are my lucky charms, of course! Lucky charms are like treasures, and for some reason my thoughts turned to how I would beachcomb and search for shells at Captiva Island.  The place is a mecca for shells, the entire beaches are covered in them early mornings after the tide has come in. When we lived in Florida, we went at least once a year for a family vacation and have wonderful memories from those trips. I collected bucketloads of beautiful shells over the years, and I remember giving some to my Dad years before he got sick with cancer and passed away. He kept some of these shells in his cigar box of treasures, along with various photos I’d taken of the Captiva sunsets, Europe and other trips. I had always hoped to take him to Captiva someday. But it was not to be.

When Dad passed away, I put one of the fighting conch shells that I’d collected on his gravestone. Everytime I would visit his gravesite, the shell was still there, surviving all the snow, summer weather and gusty winds. It was originally a smooth and shiny, and it had a bright orange pink color.  It faded to white from the sun’s bleaching over 19 years. One time last year when my Mom visited him, she noticed it was gone – either blown away, picked up by an animal or disposed of by the groundskeeper. It brought me comfort to see it there for many years, so I really need to go back and take him another one of these shell treasures.

Though Dad never got to see the beauty of Captiva in his years on this planet, he sees it all now. The beach reminds me of Dad… we spent wonderful Keller family vacations at Chincoteague when I was younger. In 1987, we took Vince to Ocean City when he was just a toddler. We stayed at the old Lankford Hotel, and I will never forget summer nights on the porch. He would smoke cigarettes, rocking in the big rocking chairs, and we just sat together silently, listening to the crashing surf. It was such a wonderful memory that stays with me always! I wrote a poem about it called “The Lankford” back in 2005 or 2006. I also wrote of the Captiva seashells I gave to him in the poem “Fighting Conch” in late 2000’s. Both of them are featured in my book “Shadows of My Father.”

And so for you, Dad, here is one of my favorite Irish sayings:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Xoxo
Colleen

Mood: Pensive
Inspiration: “Be” by Neil Diamond – one of my Dad’s favorites

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 37.14 Topic: Lucky Charms
Hard Bonus: Mention an Irish saying in your blog (Sláinte!! and The Irish Blessing)
Easy Bonus: Include 3 different shades of green (aquamarine, seafoam, moss)

Whistle of the Train

Whistle of the Train

I can hear your voice calling me,
a gentle breeze across the sea,
in the mourning dove’s sad refrain,
with every whistle of the train.

As tracks of hot tears stain my face,
my heart longs for your warm embrace,
a balm that soothes this endless pain
with every whistle of the train.

The candlewick is burning low,
twenty years gone, I miss you so.
My love for you will never wane
with every whistle of the train.

I can hear your voice calling me
with every whistle of the train.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
February 25, 2023

To Dad… I know you are watching over me. I miss you and love you so much!

Mood: Missing You
Inspiration: “Dear Father” by Neil Diamond

Happy Saturday, everyone! I started this poem on the 20th anniversary of my father’s death, which was February 17, 2023. But for some reason, I needed some time and space to finish it, so I put it aside. I have been so busy at work, and I was aware this day was coming soon. But when I looked at the calendar that morning it hit me like an anvil to my heart. I started to weep, tears of sorrow falling for the man who gave me life. I couldn’t seem to shake it, so I let the emotions out.

Dad was our rock, a gentle giant, a silent man. However, when he had something to say – you listened! I feel like he was my protector, as most of siblings undoubtedly feel, too. He realized that I was young, stupid and was going to learn things by my mistakes in life. Yet he stood by me and loved me throughout these challenges. Both he and Mom have been there for me through many difficult times, my darkest days. I am ever grateful to both of them for giving me the best possible childhood, even though we struggled financially at times. I have the happiest memories to carry me through life.

Trains have a significant meaning in my life since my Dad worked at the railroad yards.  Growing up, he would take me to some of these locations, let me explore the parked caboose and roam around the yards. I would clean up the office space, even cooked a baked bean dinner on a small gas heater one time at Cumbo, a remote rail yard in West Virginia! That probably would be considered taboo in this day and age, but I loved it. Every time I hear a train whistle, I think of him. I don’t hear them often where I live now or when we lived in Florida. But at my Winchester office, I hear the nearby train whistle several times each day, and it is such a comfort to me. I feel as if it’s my Dad telling me he is just fine.

Naturally, we all wish we could have had more time with him. He died way too young, only 68 years old. It was small cell lung cancer, as he was a life-long smoker. It was absolutely heart-wrenching to see how that disease consumed him. It really hit me thinking how Dan and I are inching ever closer to that age, and facing our own mortality is frightening. I guess we need to try to make the most of every day we have on this Earth!  I think that is a message we should all take to heart.

The video I am posting from Neil Diamond is a song Dad loved and played often. It has a special place in my heart and evokes memories each time I hear it. Have a good weekend!

XOXO Colleen

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 34.14 Topic: Freedom of Choice
Hard Bonus: Write a Kyrielle Sonnet (my writer’s choice)
Easy Bonus: Include a train whistle (my writer’s choice)

Scattered Stardust

Scattered Stardust

Southern skies beckon this warm summer night,
Horizon stretching to infinity.
As Venus and Mars cast radiant light,
The Milky Way blossoms in full glory.

Inhaling deep as the twilight unwinds,
Emotions are steeped in indigo blue.
I travel the galaxy in my mind,
Endlessly searching for remnants of you.

As the nightingale sings a mournful tune,
I sense your presence beyond shooting stars.
I find your face in the full amber moon
And know you are watching me from afar.

Memories stretch far as the eyes can see,
Scattered stardust for an eternity.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
July 24, 2022

For My Beloved Dad….

Warm summer nights always remind me of the good old days. I have such happy memories of living on Guilford Avenue. We loved that home and backyard, and that tiny duplex seemed huge at the time.  Like many, we grew up without air conditioning OR a shower – only a bathtub shared by a family of 7, imagine that!  Snapshot vignettes of my Dad come into my mind and for some reason, many of them were from summertime.   

I remember the time he chased a bat in the house with a hat on, broom and dustpan in hand.

I remember how he set up an exhaust fan in the bathroom window, which magically drew a delightful, cool breeze into our bedroom windows at night.

I remember him watching the Long Meadow fireworks from our playroom window with us.

I remember when he worked 3rd shift and how we failed at being quiet as he slept during the day.

I remember his love of all music, from Mozart to Neil Diamond to 5th Dimension to Creedence Clearwater Revival.

I remember him taking me to the railroad yards where he worked, where I explored endlessly, cleaned up and pretended to work.

I remember him playing baseball with all of us kids in the tiny gravel driveway in our backyard.

I remember how the cool basement was his escape, where he used to tinker with old radios and work his jigsaw puzzles on a mint green wooden table.

I remember how excited we were when he drove the library bookmobile down our street and stopped in front of our house, giving us a personal tour.

I remember his love of trains, and how he set up an intricate model train set that fascinated us.

I remember sitting with him in the middle room, watching baseball on the small television set as he drank a Piehl’s beer on a hot summer night.

I remember him driving through Hurricane Agnes to take us on a promised day trip to visit The Smithsonian in Washington, DC.

I remember fun times with the Keller family at the picnics and Chincoteague.

I remember him teaching me how to drive on a manual shift Chevelle, and his infinite patience as I had difficulty mastering the clutch.

I remember dancing with him at Homecoming Dance. 

I remember how all children and babies – grandbabies, nieces, nephews, friends and strangers – gravitated to him.

I remember his words during one of the most painful times in life, and how he inspired me to make the necessary changes.

I remember evenings rocking on the porch with him at the Lankford Hotel in Ocean City as he smoked cigarettes.

I remember his endless love and his support throughout my life.

I remember the last day that I saw him.

I will always remember what a wonderful man and a wonderful father he was to all of us.

I love you forever, Daddy.

One of Dad’s favorite Neil Diamond Albums, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

My Christmas Spirit

My Christmas Spirit

Tender hearts swell with gratitude,
The season casts its festive mood.
Twilight twirls in fresh fallen snow
As Christmas lights twinkle and glow.

Cardinals cavort in branches bare,
Winter sun fades in crimson flair.
Your spirit calls when cold winds blow
As Christmas lights twinkle and glow.

Memories of you warm my soul,
Your absence left a gaping hole.
Tears and emotions ebb and flow
As Christmas lights twinkle and glow.

Tender hearts swell with gratitude
As Christmas lights twinkle and glow.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2021
December 31, 2021

Memories of Christmas past always come to mind as I am decorating for the Christmas holidays. This year, for the first time in 8 years, I decided to put up some of my Dickens villages. It always makes me think of my father, for some reason. He delighted in seeing the lighted houses when he visited our Florida home shortly before he was diagnosed with cancer in 2001. We had him around until February 2003, and then our whole world changed.

Not having Dad around, especially at the holidays, makes me a little melancholy at times. He is my own personal Christmas spirit that comforts me when I am feeling sad or unsettled. I know he’s watching down on everyone in our family, with a huge smile. I believe he’s proud of all of us, to see how our families have grown. I only wish my grandchildren could have met him. I miss you and love you, Dad.

I hope all of you had a wonderful 2021 and holiday season, despite all the turmoil, COVID, and heartbreak we have seen in this world. I wish you all peace, health and joy in 2022!

Love,
Colleen

Mood: Pensive
Inspiration: “In the Bleak Midwinter” by Ric Mills

Blue Reverie

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Blue Reverie

As the clouds dance their pas de deux
In the blue reverie of the night sky,
Moonglow reveals the spirit of you,
And my heart is lifted up so high.
In the blue reverie of the night sky,
Stardust mingles with the shooting stars,
And my heart is lifted up so high
Above the treetops, so very far.
Stardust mingles with the shooting stars.
Birds serenade with gentle lullabies
Above the treetops, so very far
As wistful tears sting my weary eyes.
Birds serenade with gentle lullabies,
Invoking memories from long ago.
As wistful tears sting my weary eyes,
A restless breeze blows through my window.
Invoking memories from long ago,
My senses stir within, the past reborn.
A restless breeze blows through my window,
Imparting sweet essence of apples and corn.
My senses stir within, the past reborn,
Walking hand in hand through fields of gold.
Imparting sweet essence of apples and corn,
Countless chapters remain unwritten, untold.
Walking hand in hand through fields of gold,
The autumn colors paint their brilliant hues.
Countless chapters remain unwritten, untold.
Oh, to have just one more day with you!
The autumn colors paint their brilliant hues
As amber sun plays in periwinkle skies.
Oh to have just one more day with you!
I have much more to say than a final goodbye.
As amber sun plays in periwinkle skies,
My heart breaks with the call of the solitary loon.
I have much more to say than a final goodbye,
But the hour of parting has come too soon.
My heart breaks with the call of the solitary loon,
Moonglow reveals the spirit in you.
But the hour of parting has come too soon
As the clouds dance their pas de deux.
Colleen Keller Breuning © 2014
September 26, 2014

Shadows of My Father ~ The Poem and The Book

"Shadows of My Father" by Colleen Keller Breuning © 2011

Shadows of My Father

As a child, I walked through the park
hand in hand with my father.
Brimming with energy and innocence,
I played a game of hide and seek,
jumping into his enormous shadow.
My elfin figure was gobbled up
by his lumbering adumbration,
stretching long across the path
illuminated by the springtime sun.

Young and stupid in love,
I felt as if my father’s shadow
was falling over me, somehow
supplanted in my subconscious.
Though I could not see it,
I could feel his image lingering,
cutting through the darkness,
watching me as I made mistakes
from which he could not protect me.

I could sense his shadow slipping
away that New Year’s Day,
battle weary from the fight of his life.
With a weak smile on his face,
my father gazed at me
from his hospital bed.
I knew from the far away look
in his soft hazel eyes
that I was saying goodbye.

Now as I walk alone
with the sun on my back,
my own blackened silhouette
extends before me.
There are no huge hands to hold,
no large shadows to jump into.
But my soul is at peace,
and I smile, knowing that I carry
his shadow inside of mine.

Colleen M. Breuning © 2011
All Rights Reserved

This poem was the one that inspired me to do a tribute book of poetry to my father. Though the book contains many poems about experiences with my father, there are other subjects covered in the work presented within. I want to thank my family, friends and network of fellow writers who have shown great support, not only by purchasing the book, but in giving me such positive feedback throughout this process. I love you all!

Published in “Shadows of My Father”
Available now on Amazon:

https://www.createspace.com/3556166