death – Colleen Keller Breuning

Lucky Charms

Lucky Charms

Gold
sunlight
on waters
aquamarine
embryonic warmth
seafoam between my toes
I reach my arms to the sea
my thoughts ramble and turn to you
summer breezes and rocking chairs
crashing ocean waves, music to our ears
beachcombing, scooping fingers snag treasures
scallops, lightning whelk and fighting conch
mollusks covered in silken moss
seashells bring sweet memories
grateful for your presence
counting my blessings
as I hold close
my precious
lucky
charms

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
March 17, 2023

Sláinte!!! I hope everyone had a Happy St. Patrick’s Day yesterday! Dan and I both had to work all day, but he stopped by Wegmans and got me some salmon to make Salmon Teriyaki, baked sweet potatoes and roasted asparagus for dinner. Yum, that has become our favorite meal! So that was our St. Patrick’s Day celebration.

I wrote this double etheree poem yesterday, thinking of what my lucky charms are and how to integrate the challenge prompts this week. Well, my family and cats are my lucky charms, of course! Lucky charms are like treasures, and for some reason my thoughts turned to how I would beachcomb and search for shells at Captiva Island. The place is a mecca for shells, the entire beaches are covered in them early mornings after the tide has come in. When we lived in Florida, we went at least once a year for a family vacation and have wonderful memories from those trips. I collected bucketloads of beautiful shells over the years, and I remember giving some to my Dad years before he got sick with cancer and passed away. He kept some of these shells in his cigar box of treasures, along with various photos I’d taken of the Captiva sunsets, Europe and other trips. I had always hoped to take him to Captiva someday. But it was not to be.

When Dad passed away, I put one of the fighting conch shells that I’d collected on his gravestone. Everytime I would visit his gravesite, the shell was still there, surviving all the snow, summer weather and gusty winds. It was originally a smooth and shiny, and it had a bright orange pink color. It faded to white from the sun’s bleaching over 19 years. One time last year when my Mom visited him, she noticed it was gone – either blown away, picked up by an animal or disposed of by the groundskeeper. It brought me comfort to see it there for many years, so I really need to go back and take him another one of these shell treasures.

Though Dad never got to see the beauty of Captiva in his years on this planet, he sees it all now. The beach reminds me of Dad… we spent wonderful Keller family vacations at Chincoteague when I was younger. In 1987, we took Vince to Ocean City when he was just a toddler. We stayed at the old Lankford Hotel, and I will never forget summer nights on the porch. He would smoke cigarettes, rocking in the big rocking chairs, and we just sat together silently, listening to the crashing surf. It was such a wonderful memory that stays with me always! I wrote a poem about it called “The Lankford” back in 2005 or 2006. I also wrote of the Captiva seashells I gave to him in the poem “Fighting Conch” in late 2000’s. Both of them are featured in my book “Shadows of My Father.”

And so for you, Dad, here is one of my favorite Irish sayings:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Xoxo
Colleen

Mood: Pensive
Inspiration: “Be” by Neil Diamond – one of my Dad’s favorites

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 37.14 Topic: Lucky Charms
Hard Bonus: Mention an Irish saying in your blog (Sláinte!! and The Irish Blessing)
Easy Bonus: Include 3 different shades of green (aquamarine, seafoam, moss)

Unbroken

Unbroken

I
hover
in darkness
looking for light
the minutes tick by
waiting with bated breath
countdown to imminent death
from the graveyard, the spirits cry
hanging in the icy air of night
reality shines, eyesight to the blind
shivering as memories cloud my mind
leaving my loneliness unbroken
heart ravaged by words unspoken
hold on ‘til the bitter end
my spirit shall transcend
standing in the fray
with the heart-felt
promise of
New Year’s
Day

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
January 7, 2023

Happy New Year! It’s my first blog for 2023. I am glad that 2022 came to a close, there were lots of ups and downs for our families last year. Many happy memories were made, but we experienced the shocking death of Dan’s brother Bob in April and his oldest brother has been suffering with major health issues since July. It really opens your eyes to our own mortality and the realization to live life to your fullest.

We are all getting older and experiencing our own aches, pains and illnesses. In the past 13 months I’ve had COVID, pneumonia, bronchitis, multiple sinus infections, and gall bladder surgery. I am extremely healthy and very active, but experienced long COVID with lingering respiratory and fatigue issues. All the other sickness followed COVID, which makes you wonder how badly it affects our immune systems. Those of you who know me know that I don’t have a lot of patience for being under the weather. I don’t have time for that but have learned this year that I need to make time. Self-care is so important. Even doing little things like making sure you get enough water to drink each day can make a huge impact on your general health and how much energy you have!

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions, I just believe in always striving to be the best I can be, whether that is in my home life, my health, my job, etc. One thing I did achieve last year is that I lost about 15 pounds last year using the Noom app, and I feel great. It was a slow, intentional loss that happened over several months. It is based on the psychology of eating, and helps you identify eating habits and make changes. You basically log weight, food, exercise and water into the app, and progress through the course. I want to keep that weight off, because I feel so much better in my skin. There were no food restrictions, keto, paleo, intermittent fasting or crazy diets involved. It was more of an intentional mental shift to eat mindfully and healthy, in moderation, and cut down on portions and be accountable to yourself. That being said, I gave myself grace and still splurged over the holidays, enjoying the things I love: Christmas candy, cookies, wine, champagne, shrimp and cocktail sauce, mashed potatoes with gravy, corn pudding, etc. I just did it in moderation, and I tried not to continue a binge of these things.

This weekend is dedicated to one of my least favorite tasks: undecorating the house. Yep, all the Christmas decorations are coming down, the tree will be dismantled and the “gift shop” closed until next year. (That’s what Dan jokingly calls our house when it gets fully decked out for Christmas). It is always kind of sad, but it’s necessary. I feel the urge to get everything back to normal now. Busy season is already upon us, and I’ll be working major overtime beginning next week. I wish you all a Happy New Year and lots of love!

xoxo
Colleen

Mood: Reflective
Inspiration “Time” by Hans Zimmer – amazing composer!!

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 27.14 Topic: Keeping Up With Time
Hard Bonus: Include an Edgar Allen Poe line or quote (“hanging in the icy air of night” and “leave my loneliness unbroken”)
Easy Bonus: Mention shrimp and cocktail sauce

Empty Sky

Empty Sky

My witness is the empty sky,
Devoid of any truth or lie.
Raindrops tumble from clouds of gray…
It all ends in tears anyway.

Winter wallows with brutal cold
As cherished memories unfold.
No matter what they do or say…
It all ends in tears anyway.

Behold as Christmas comes again
With scent of spruce and cinnamon.
But time is cruel, stealing the day…
It all ends in tears anyway.

My witness is the empty sky…
It all ends in tears anyway.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
December 24, 2022

Merry Christmas to all! I was trying to incorporate a lighter Christmas mood, but Jack Kerouac kind of rained on my parade today. Haha!! Researching his quotes, the two lines I chose stuck with me and fit into this Kyrielle sonnet scheme as the repeating final couplet. As I’ve said before, writing a sonnet is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle of words!

Actually I was thinking of how this past year was very difficult for so many. On a personal level, seems like those close to me have gone through a lot this year (or the past 3 years, I should say). This morning I was reflecting on the loss of my dear brother-in-law Bob this past April. It was on both Dan and my mind, we happened to talk about it upon waking this cold Christmas Eve. We both have such wonderful memories of Bob, his tales of adventure, Sasquatch, goofing off in Michigan with the kids. If you knew Bob, you can just imagine! All kids absolutely LOVED him! Our kids loved playing pranks on him, one year they woke him as he was sleeping in the basement with a robot contraption featuring a vacuum cleaner! I have some hilarious pictures of him – what a sense of humor and a beautiful heart he had. He was the youngest of four Breuning brothers, and the loss was very sudden and tragic. It left us all stunned and devastated, we are still saddened by his early departure from this Earth.

It is also that time of year when I reflect on special Christmas memories from my childhood, and how lucky I was to have the parents and siblings I have. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but we always had special family times and memories. Some of them were crazy funny, and it’s always so much fun to repeat those stories when we are all together (which unfortunately is getting rarer these days). Christmas has always seemed less special after losing my father in 2003. It sort of jolts you into this alternate reality: your parents are actually not going to be immortal like you secretly hoped. I cherish all the time I have with my Mom and look forward to seeing her on Christmas!

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas, may you spend it surrounded with your loved ones, making more cherished memories. Stay safe, and stay warm!

XOXO Colleen

Mood: Melancholy
Inspiration: “Morning” by David Darling

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 25.14 Topic: A Cherished Memory
Hard Bonus: Incorporate a quote or line by author/ poet Jack Kerouac (“My witness is the empty sky” and “It all ends in tears anyway.”)
Easy Bonus: Mention your favorite herb or spice (cinnamon)

Washed Away

Washed Away

There is no calm
after the storm.
Waters recede,
the sun shines warm.

Foreboding clouds
have left the sky.
There are no tears
left here to cry.

All that we knew
was washed away.
Our rainbow hues
muddled to gray.

A sense of doom
at damage done.
Picking up pieces
we carry on…

Yes, we are alive
and we shall survive…

We shall survive.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
October 1, 2022

It has truly been a week of introspection and tears. First and foremost, we watched the horrors of Hurricane Ian’s devastation, saddened for all of those affected by this monstrous hurricane. Seeing the images of the flood waters and winds destroying the beautiful southwest coastal towns of Florida was like a dagger to the heart. I cried at seeing the destruction of some of our favorite vacation places: Naples, Ft. Myers, Sanibel, Captiva Island… so many amazing memories made there! My heart is broken, as some lost everything, including their lives.

We are just so incredibly sad to see this happening. It will take many, many years (if ever) to rebuild. But I know how strong and determined Floridians are, having lived there for 24 years. Neighbors help neighbors during tough times! Still, it pains us to see these wonderful people suffering through these hurricanes. It was one of the main reasons we left, as it is a very stressful and exhausting experience to prepare for, weather and recover from a very destructive hurricane. I send prayers to all affected by this horrendous natural disaster, may you find strength to endure and may you recover power, your homes and be safe!

On a personal note, it was a very difficult week for me. Our well pump decided to break last weekend, at the most inopportune time…. right before my gall bladder surgery! That meant… no running water!! Our kind neighbors offered their shower to us for several days, which was a godsend. (Thank you for your kindness, Nikki and Jason!) The morning of the surgery, Dan dropped me off at the hospital and returned to the house to meet the well company. Our well is 1,000 feet deep, and they had to bring a huge crane into our septic fields without harming it. It took all day to pull up the destroyed pump and replace it. Then the next day the company came back to fix our filtration system, which also wasn’t functioning properly.

I am grateful the surgery went smoothly, and I am so thrilled to have running water again (with good pressure)! I am still recovering and trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat, which has not been fun…because I love to eat! Also I don’t like being physically restricted, and can’t wait to get back to my running and exercise regimen. I’ve been a little out of sorts this weekend as a result of everything. But feeling sorry for myself doesn’t cut it when there are other people suffering greatly in the world. So I’m writing to SNAP myself out of it. Sending good thoughts and prayers to everyone who needs it!

xoxo
Colleen

Inspiration: Enya
Mood: Sad

Light Fading

Light Fading

Twilight is falling,
autumn breeze blowing.
Past the honeysuckle bushes,
my tired feet are slowing.

My breath comes in gasps
under periwinkle skies.
Can you see the light fading
when you look into my eyes?

Is this how it will go
when we get to the end?
Will you take one last glimpse
and let my spirit ascend?

Will you hold me and dance
beneath the amber moon?
Or kiss my lips tender
as the wayward geese swoon?

I’m grasping onto moments
like the free-falling sand.
Can you see time slipping through
my pale weathered hands?

Now the wind pushes onward
and like a willow, I bend.
As I grow ever weaker,
will you hold me til the end?

Then search for my light
in the field of white stars.
Speak to me nightly
as I watch from afar.

Tuck away our memories
and forget them, never.
My spirit glows in your heart,
for my love is forever.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
August 21, 2022

I wrote this about a month ago and tweaked it today, on my Dad’s 88^th heavenly birthday. As I get older and closer to the age he was when he died back in 2002, I can only imagine how sad he must have felt in his final months. I am sure he wanted to hold onto all of us for as long as he possibly could, despite his pain… It made me ponder and think of how I would feel, if I knew that my time was ending soon. How much I would miss my sweet husband, my children, my grandchildren, and my family and friends! Not wanting to cause pain, but knowing they would be devastated after I was gone. It also provides some insight and a reminder that we should live every single day to the fullest, and be grateful for those in our lives. We never know how much time we have left on this Earth.

Not trying to be melancholy, but sometimes my mind goes to these places and this is how I deal with it. My poetry is my refuge, my comfort, my way to deal with overwhelming emotions. I share it so that you can take from it what you want, and to feel whatever emotion the words might dredge up inside your soul. I wish you all peace, love and pray that you continue to make happy memories and cherish your loved ones. I know I certainly will!

xoxo Colleen

Inspiration: Moby “Everloving”
Mood: Thoughtful

Scattered Stardust

Scattered Stardust

Southern skies beckon this warm summer night,
Horizon stretching to infinity.
As Venus and Mars cast radiant light,
The Milky Way blossoms in full glory.

Inhaling deep as the twilight unwinds,
Emotions are steeped in indigo blue.
I travel the galaxy in my mind,
Endlessly searching for remnants of you.

As the nightingale sings a mournful tune,
I sense your presence beyond shooting stars.
I find your face in the full amber moon
And know you are watching me from afar.

Memories stretch far as the eyes can see,
Scattered stardust for an eternity.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
July 24, 2022

For My Beloved Dad….

Warm summer nights always remind me of the good old days. I have such happy memories of living on Guilford Avenue. We loved that home and backyard, and that tiny duplex seemed huge at the time. Like many, we grew up without air conditioning OR a shower – only a bathtub shared by a family of 7, imagine that! Snapshot vignettes of my Dad come into my mind and for some reason, many of them were from summertime.

I remember the time he chased a bat in the house with a hat on, broom and dustpan in hand.

I remember how he set up an exhaust fan in the bathroom window, which magically drew a delightful, cool breeze into our bedroom windows at night.

I remember him watching the Long Meadow fireworks from our playroom window with us.

I remember when he worked 3^rd shift and how we failed at being quiet as he slept during the day.

I remember his love of all music, from Mozart to Neil Diamond to 5th Dimension to Creedence Clearwater Revival.

I remember him taking me to the railroad yards where he worked, where I explored endlessly, cleaned up and pretended to work.

I remember him playing baseball with all of us kids in the tiny gravel driveway in our backyard.

I remember how the cool basement was his escape, where he used to tinker with old radios and work his jigsaw puzzles on a mint green wooden table.

I remember how excited we were when he drove the library bookmobile down our street and stopped in front of our house, giving us a personal tour.

I remember his love of trains, and how he set up an intricate model train set that fascinated us.

I remember sitting with him in the middle room, watching baseball on the small television set as he drank a Piehl’s beer on a hot summer night.

I remember him driving through Hurricane Agnes to take us on a promised day trip to visit The Smithsonian in Washington, DC.

I remember fun times with the Keller family at the picnics and Chincoteague.

I remember him teaching me how to drive on a manual shift Chevelle, and his infinite patience as I had difficulty mastering the clutch.

I remember dancing with him at Homecoming Dance.

I remember how all children and babies – grandbabies, nieces, nephews, friends and strangers – gravitated to him.

I remember his words during one of the most painful times in life, and how he inspired me to make the necessary changes.

I remember evenings rocking on the porch with him at the Lankford Hotel in Ocean City as he smoked cigarettes.

I remember his endless love and his support throughout my life.

I remember the last day that I saw him.

I will always remember what a wonderful man and a wonderful father he was to all of us.

I love you forever, Daddy.

One of Dad’s favorite Neil Diamond Albums, Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Shipwreck Heart

Shipwreck Heart

Black
sea churns
as waves crash
on rocky beach
storm rages offshore
distant lightning flashes
neon bolts splitting the sky
the turmoil is moving closer
but there is no shelter from this storm
I crouch in the sand, pelted by fine grains
as the west wind whips into a frenzy
thunder rumbles as the storm rages
a tempest in my shipwreck heart
reeling that you were taken
when I needed you most
your silent presence
to calm my soul
in this vile
world gone
mad

Colleen Keller Breuning
June 19, 2022

A double etheree inspired by writing prompts and the music of Enigma.

Spirit of the Forest

Spirit of the Forest

Far above the towering redwoods
Where the lone bald eagle flies,
Steely clouds conspire and gather
To break in alabaster skies.

Monsoon descends upon green woods,
Crystal raindrops mingle with tears.
Shadows creep within the forest,
Stirring up my deepest fears.

A life of suffering and sins,
I hear your cry upon the winds.
If only I could stop the rain,
If only I could ease your pain.

Standing firm in distorted thoughts,
Unwillingness to sacrifice.
Tempting fate until the end,
You made your choice and paid the price.

Thunder crashes across the valley,
Walls of rocks are tumbling down.
They seek revenge, restless natives,
As your spirit walks these forest grounds.

A life of suffering and sins,
I hear your cry upon the winds.
If only I could stop the rain,
If only I could ease your pain.

Would you spend each day as if it were your last one?
Would you ride a white horse into the setting sun?
Would you change your mind if you had a second chance?
Would you dare to leave your fate to circumstance?

A life of suffering and sins,
I hear your cry upon the winds.
If only I could stop the rain,
If only I could ease your pain.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
June 11, 2022

Inspiration: Moby “Lie Down in Darkness”
Mood: Pensive

No Closure

No Closure

Your strangled voice echoed down the stairwell;
Horrific words, a dagger to the heart.
Like a heavy anvil, the sorrow fell…
A bone crushing weight that tears one apart.

Emotions scatter like leaves on the breeze;
A free spirit, you reveled in your youth.
Your beautiful soul riddled with disease…
We struggle to accept this painful truth.

No closure, not even one last goodbye;
Left behind, we fall to our knees and pray.
We trudge ahead as blinding tears slip by…
Down into the black void of yesterday.

Your spirit is released, forever free…
As we grieve and cherish your memory.

For my brother-in-law Bob … with love.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
May 1, 2022

I have had writer’s block for an entire month, after learning of the death of my dear brother-in-law Bob on April 2. It has been a very difficult and painful month of introspection, prayers, and struggling to accept the reality of his sudden death. I will not speak to that, as it is far too difficult. It was even hard for me to post this over one month later….

Bob was Dan’s youngest brother, two years younger than me. He was brilliant, literally larger than life, a free spirit and was a bit of a rebel. He had zest and passion for life — loved nature, trees, animals, believed in Bigfoot, aliens. Bob was an amazing storyteller; he had a wonderful sense of humor and was so wonderful with children! He was very dear to both of my kids, and we all have such fond family memories of him in Michigan, Captiva Island, and Lake Tahoe. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life, than the times we spent with Bob. There were always pranks, laughter and a sense of light-heartedness when you were with him.

We had hoped to make it out to visit him at the home he built in Burnt Ranch, California. He was a living legend, very loved and well-respected in his community there. Our hearts are broken, we will miss him more than words can say, and we will always treasure the memories of him. Our love and sympathy go out to Bob’s wife Arlene, daughter Jessica and the entire family during this most difficult time.

xoxo Colleen

Promise of the Rose

Promise of the Rose

A promised green garden withers to seed,
Dried petals scattered on the barren ground.
Silent anguish as the crimson rose bleeds,
Grief carried on the wind without a sound.

Tears burn a path when hope has slipped away,
Hot crystals sparking precious memories.
The fragrance of the summer jasmine sway,
The gentle rhythm of the crashing sea.

Now the nightingale sings a soothing tune,
Spread your wings, set your restless spirit free.
It’s time to soar beyond the crescent moon,
For the universe is your destiny.

Somewhere beyond a million silver stars,
Eternal rapture beckons from afar.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2021
February 15, 2021

A repost of a poem written and dedicated to Cherry Rose, a kind and beloved poet who passed away. Love to all! xoxo

Come listen to my poetry reading on Spotify!!!