A Quatern poem written for the group Her Growth Collective, which can be found on Instagram @hergrowthcollective. The topic for 10/28/2021 is “Pretending.”
Sometimes I have to close my eyes and focus in order to pretend. Other times, I just have to let my mind wander. And that is exactly what I did while writing this poem. It’s funny how I always end up looking at the sky, seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I remember that I always wanted to be a bird as a child. In this case, I got steered towards the moon and stars.
Whether you want to pretend or not, the message is we all need to enjoy and embrace life, because it is just way too short. So dance with the fireflies and ride those shooting stars…. starting today!
I wrote this poem for the Instagram group Her Growth Collective, @hergrowthcollective. I decided to combine the topics from the last two weeks – “Self-Regard” and “Guilt.” I had been working on this poem/song lyric for about a week. Tying in these prompts brought it all together.
Do you have low self-esteem or self-regard? Do you suffer from intense feelings of guilt?
I sure do! In fact, I think these two things tend to go hand-in-hand. I have a very bad habit of putting myself down, being hyper critical of myself or minimizing my thoughts and emotions. I can also remember always having this burning sense of guilt over something I did or did not do, even as a young child.
I am not sure if something happened in my childhood to cause this, perhaps being raised a strict Catholic and/or going to a Catholic school with nuns driving down this sense of guilt, shame and self-loathing. More likely it’s merely an inherited personality trait. These feelings intensified as I became an adult and multiplied exponentially once I became a mother. I think we all tend to put ourselves last, especially mothers. Self-care becomes an unreachable dream that we never seem to be able to achieve or make time for. It is always last on the to-do list.
Just one week ago, I left a job and organization which I truly loved after 8 years of dedication…. I will spare the details, but I had to make the choice to leave for personal reasons. It had simply become necessary for my survival. I finally had to put the oxygen mask on myself and practice self-care. Not to sound dramatic, but I am still in the early stages of decompressing. A plethora of emotions are swirling inside me, but I am finally free of certain things that had become extremely unhealthy and toxic to me personally. I am breathing easier and taking time for myself without any fears. I know my own self-worth and nobody else dictates that. I know that I deserve this. No need to feel guilty for finally taking care of myself first.
We all deserve to live a life free of emotional bondage. If you are suffering from low self-esteem or guilt that you can pinpoint on one thing in your life, do yourself a favor. Be kind to yourself. Set yourself free.
This post was written for the group Her Growth Collective. The topic was “Courage,” and the challenge went up the second week of September. I wrote it on the plane ride back from Florida over 2 weeks ago, but I never got an opportunity to post it due to wrapping up my final weeks on the job.
It is hard to have courage when faced with adversity, or when it’s time to change your course in life. When I am searching for courage in my life, when my anxieties are overwhelming, or in difficult times, the Serenity Prayer has served me well and calmed me. I have found that in the silence in between is where the answers lie. xo Colleen
Colleen Keller Breuning 