tears – Colleen Keller Breuning

Tide

Tide

I pray like falling rain and light
Hiding within shadows of night
Drowning in the shallows of pride
For I don’t want to fight this tide.

My veins pulse with a quiet dread
Clouds in my coffee and in my head
Unleashing all the tears I cried
For I don’t want to fight this tide.

High above, the sky is broken
So many words left unspoken
Release my fears, arms open wide
For I don’t want to fight this tide.

I pray like falling rain and light
For I don’t want to fight this tide.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2023
January 21, 2023

Hello, family and friends. Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA. I’ve been offline much of the week due to work. I’ve worked more overtime the past month since my days in the 80’s working at Arthur Andersen & Co during tax season. Of course, that was 40 years ago when I was in my 20’s…. Suffice it to say, I’m exhausted – because I am, well…. older! My life is: Drink coffee, work, eat, exercise, drink wine and sleep. And repeat. That’s about it lately!

I’ve been trying to stick with a healthy diet through all this, and that has been tough. I have managed to resist the sweet treats and temptations at work, and at home. However, tonight after my 6 mile run, my body was craving some comfort food. So I whipped up a quick meal of Boboli pizza crust, with sauce, parmesan, mozzarella, freshly cut basil, green/red/yellow peppers and seasoning. Yum, and Dan was happy about that too! A guilty pleasure that was, but I think my body just needed some carbohydrates, even if they were not good ones. You just need to give yourself a break after eating oatmeal, salads and soup every day, ya know?

It was really nice this evening to exercise the right side of my brain with a poem. It was a stress buster. There actually haven’t been clouds in my coffee, there are NUMBERS in my coffee LOL!!!! I dream about processing 1099s, W-2s, 941s and running my 10 key calculator. I still have one, and yes, I tape footed numbers to my workpapers just like back in the 80’s. That’s how I roll. My eyes can’t take reconciling bank statements from a PDF online. I have to print them and tick off transactions. Yeah, I am old school.

Well, that’s all I got. Only 10 more days until January ends, then the overtime will ease a bit. I can do it! Have a great weekend.
xoxo Colleen

Mood: Exhausted
Inspiration: “The Sky is Broken” by Moby

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 29.14 Topic: Clouds in My Coffee
Hard Bonus: Incorporate a lyric by Moby (“I pray like falling rain and light;” I don’t want to fight this tide;” “the sky is broken.”)
Easy Bonus: Include carbohydrates

Washed Away

Washed Away

There is no calm
after the storm.
Waters recede,
the sun shines warm.

Foreboding clouds
have left the sky.
There are no tears
left here to cry.

All that we knew
was washed away.
Our rainbow hues
muddled to gray.

A sense of doom
at damage done.
Picking up pieces
we carry on…

Yes, we are alive
and we shall survive…

We shall survive.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
October 1, 2022

It has truly been a week of introspection and tears. First and foremost, we watched the horrors of Hurricane Ian’s devastation, saddened for all of those affected by this monstrous hurricane. Seeing the images of the flood waters and winds destroying the beautiful southwest coastal towns of Florida was like a dagger to the heart. I cried at seeing the destruction of some of our favorite vacation places: Naples, Ft. Myers, Sanibel, Captiva Island… so many amazing memories made there! My heart is broken, as some lost everything, including their lives.

We are just so incredibly sad to see this happening. It will take many, many years (if ever) to rebuild. But I know how strong and determined Floridians are, having lived there for 24 years. Neighbors help neighbors during tough times! Still, it pains us to see these wonderful people suffering through these hurricanes. It was one of the main reasons we left, as it is a very stressful and exhausting experience to prepare for, weather and recover from a very destructive hurricane. I send prayers to all affected by this horrendous natural disaster, may you find strength to endure and may you recover power, your homes and be safe!

On a personal note, it was a very difficult week for me. Our well pump decided to break last weekend, at the most inopportune time…. right before my gall bladder surgery! That meant… no running water!! Our kind neighbors offered their shower to us for several days, which was a godsend. (Thank you for your kindness, Nikki and Jason!) The morning of the surgery, Dan dropped me off at the hospital and returned to the house to meet the well company. Our well is 1,000 feet deep, and they had to bring a huge crane into our septic fields without harming it. It took all day to pull up the destroyed pump and replace it. Then the next day the company came back to fix our filtration system, which also wasn’t functioning properly.

I am grateful the surgery went smoothly, and I am so thrilled to have running water again (with good pressure)! I am still recovering and trying to figure out what I can and cannot eat, which has not been fun…because I love to eat! Also I don’t like being physically restricted, and can’t wait to get back to my running and exercise regimen. I’ve been a little out of sorts this weekend as a result of everything. But feeling sorry for myself doesn’t cut it when there are other people suffering greatly in the world. So I’m writing to SNAP myself out of it. Sending good thoughts and prayers to everyone who needs it!

xoxo
Colleen

Inspiration: Enya
Mood: Sad

No Closure

No Closure

Your strangled voice echoed down the stairwell;
Horrific words, a dagger to the heart.
Like a heavy anvil, the sorrow fell…
A bone crushing weight that tears one apart.

Emotions scatter like leaves on the breeze;
A free spirit, you reveled in your youth.
Your beautiful soul riddled with disease…
We struggle to accept this painful truth.

No closure, not even one last goodbye;
Left behind, we fall to our knees and pray.
We trudge ahead as blinding tears slip by…
Down into the black void of yesterday.

Your spirit is released, forever free…
As we grieve and cherish your memory.

For my brother-in-law Bob … with love.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2022
May 1, 2022

I have had writer’s block for an entire month, after learning of the death of my dear brother-in-law Bob on April 2. It has been a very difficult and painful month of introspection, prayers, and struggling to accept the reality of his sudden death. I will not speak to that, as it is far too difficult. It was even hard for me to post this over one month later….

Bob was Dan’s youngest brother, two years younger than me. He was brilliant, literally larger than life, a free spirit and was a bit of a rebel. He had zest and passion for life — loved nature, trees, animals, believed in Bigfoot, aliens. Bob was an amazing storyteller; he had a wonderful sense of humor and was so wonderful with children! He was very dear to both of my kids, and we all have such fond family memories of him in Michigan, Captiva Island, and Lake Tahoe. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life, than the times we spent with Bob. There were always pranks, laughter and a sense of light-heartedness when you were with him.

We had hoped to make it out to visit him at the home he built in Burnt Ranch, California. He was a living legend, very loved and well-respected in his community there. Our hearts are broken, we will miss him more than words can say, and we will always treasure the memories of him. Our love and sympathy go out to Bob’s wife Arlene, daughter Jessica and the entire family during this most difficult time.

xoxo Colleen

Sparks of Joy

Sparks of Joy

Soft
cuddles
blazing fire
tender kisses
watching snowflakes fall
by glow of Christmas tree
scent of pines and cranberries
taste of mulled wine upon my tongue
old Christmas carols fill the night air
bringing back memories from my childhood
past, present and future meld in my soul
each moment and adventure savored
grandbabies, travel, wine and love
my heart swells with gratitude
for the life we have made
forever as one
tears sting my eyes
and turn to
sparks of
joy

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2021
December 2, 2021

This Double Etheree format poem was written for the Instagram group @hergrowthcollective. The topic for this week is “What Brings Joy.” I believe that we can choose to experience joy every day, if we are willing to make the effort. Simply gazing at the sun beaming and reflecting off frozen pond waters is a joyous sight to behold. Even if there are clouds in the sky, the gentle pitter patter of rain on the roof brings comfort while nourishing the trees and grass outside.

Christmas and holiday seasons can bring out the best of all joys, though sometimes it can bring on sadness or melancholy. Remember this – the choice is yours. Meditate, think about all the blessings that you do have, and give thanks. Open your eyes and marvel at the simple beauty of the twinkling Christmas tree lights, or the candles on your menorah! No matter what life challenges you are facing at this time (and believe me, there can be MANY), make a commitment to yourself to seek out joy each day.

And here’s the really cool thing – YOU CAN BE THE SPARK OF JOY! Spread good cheer, give genuine thanks to the cashier at the grocery store, notice their name tag and SAY their name, wish them a happy holidays! Outside the store, put a few coins or bills in the Salvation Army kettle and give the ringer a big smile! You will feel your own heart swelling with joy…. it is contagious.

I’m not trying to be saccharine sweet, but really dig down into your heart and realize that despite all of your human wants and needs…. there is so much joy to behold in this world. Find it in your own life, and be that spark of joy. I wish you all a most beautiful and blessed holiday season!

xoxo Colleen

Mood: Joyful
Inspiration: Max Richter, “Dream 13 (minus even)”

Cloudburst

Cloudburst

There’s a low hanging kind of gloom
stretching across the twilight sky
like nefarious, ugly castaways
pregnant with foul regrets
truth tinged with suspicious lies.

A cold western wind rises up
and the clouds burst wide open
torrents of raindrops tilt sideways
a raging river in the asphalt
foils my ill-timed escape.

And I am running for my life
cries and curses drowned out
in deafening crashes of thunder
as lightning flashes around me
my heart pounding in my ears.

Suppressed anger pours out
secrets spilling to the soggy ground
tears dissolve in the sacred rain
my salt and bones buried deep below
ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

The trees sigh in collective exhalation
as my heart bleeds in rainbow hues
forbidden thoughts of malevolence
wiped clean from my furrowed brow
and the distant stars fade from view.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2021
August 20, 2021

Mood: Stormy
Musical Inspiration: The Son of Flynn – Daft Punk/Moby Remix

Summer Storms

Summer Storms

Summer storms are coming,
I can feel them in my heart.
Hope melting in extreme heat
as the sky is torn apart.

Thunder rolls in deep and fast,
raindrops pelt my windowpane.
Lone raven struggles in the wind
and I’m channeling his pain.

Standing in the pouring rain,
crying out, what am I doing here?
Wash my sorrows into the ground,
dissolve my sins and tears.

Rising high above the stormy din
a distant voice is calling, calling.
But I don’t need a shallow hero
to catch me when I’m falling, falling.

Tell the truth, you never wanted me,
these ugly lies will shade your soul.
Once caught in your world of deceit,
but release will make me whole.

Did you ever think about the cost,
Or realize all that you lost?
Do you care, or do you even see?
Do you know what you’ve done to me?

Standing in the pouring rain
crying out, what am I doing here?
Wash my sorrows into the ground,
dissolve my sins and tears.

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2021
July 17, 2021

This is what happens on a stormy Saturday night when you’re listening to a playlist of mood music by Moby, Billie Eilish and other assorted artists and you decide to write a poem…. 😉

The Mourning Light

The Mourning Light

no sign of the sun
the morning is full of storm
framed by steel gray clouds

the heavens melt down
weeping angels fill the sky
shedding bitter tears

the mud and the roots
drown in relentless sorrow
shallow and hollow

restless winds of March
ruffle the raven’s feathers
ashes to stardust

sepia snapshots
the essence of life wavers
in the mourning light

Colleen Keller Breuning © 2021
March 5, 2021

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 52.13 Topic: Melt Down
Hard Bonus (2 points): Incorporate a line from a Pablo Neruda poem (The morning is full of storm; the mud and the roots)
Easy Bonus (1 Point): Include a character from Dr. Who (Weeping Angels)

Secret Phrase Guesses:

Mad Scientist
Kitchen Chemistry
Weird Science
Science Experiment
Back to the Future
High School Chemistry
Test Tubes
Wild Hypothesis
Love Potion #9
Crazy in Love

Topic: Christine Picture: Christopher

War

War

life’s an illusion
we are lead to delusions
wall of confusion

the world isn’t round
strange shenanigans abound
as bombs hit the ground

minutes are crawling
the salt of my tears falling
and change is calling

in world of misdeeds
peace destroyed by pride and greed
you are all I need

Colleen Keller Breuning
January 29, 2021

For some reason, the topic brought conflict and discord to mind…. and somehow I was led to this. I just love how the Blogophilia prompts take me to topics and places I don’t normally write about. 😉

Ecrits Blogophilia Week 47.13 Topic: Wall of Confusion
Hard Bonus (2 points): Include a Song Title from a One Hit Wonder (The Salt in My tears by Martin Briley; All I Need by Jack Wagner)
Easy Bonus (1 Point): Use the Word “Shenanigans”

SECRET BONUS PHRASES:

1.  Stormy Weather
2.  Cold snap
3.  Ice, Ice Baby
4.  Feels like Alaska
5.  Walking in a Winter Wonderland
6.  Winter Blues
7.  Chance of Snow
8.  867-5309
9.  Jenny, I got your number…
10.  Tommy Tutone’s weather forecast

Topic: Tyler Pic: Stormy (haha, get it – stormy weather!)

Amethyst Sky

Rain has fallen five days straight.
The levee breaks, hope comes undone.
Tears from heaven flood the grass,
Sparkling like diamonds in the sun.

But it’s all right, I hear your voice
Whispering as twilight draws nigh.
Your smile beckons from distant stars
Twinkling in the amethyst sky.

Now westward winds stir restless,
whipping up the anger and wrath.
Flames shadow dancing in the dark,
the fire casts its light upon my path.

But it’s all right, I hear your voice
whispering as twilight draws nigh.
Your smile beckons from distant stars
twinkling in the amethyst sky.

I don’t want this pain anymore,
It’s been far too many years.
Give me shelter from the storm,
Ease my anguish, dry my tears.

But it’s all right, I hear your voice
whispering as twilight draws nigh.
Your smile beckons from distant stars
twinkling in the amethyst sky.

Between Black and White

Between Black and White

Between black and white, there lies a lot of gray.
Colors mingle, fading away in a torrent of tears.
I was stuck in the past, longing for yesterday…
Caught up in a tangled web of pain and fears.

Colors mingle, fading away in a torrent of tears,
Heart crushed beneath an avalanche of sorrow.
Caught up in a tangled web of pain and fears…
The hours slipped away with dread for tomorrow.

Heart crushed beneath an avalanche of sorrow,
Tripping over countless lies and a barrage of sins.
The hours slipped away with dread for tomorrow…
In games of a kid – rock paper scissors – nobody wins.

Tripping over countless lies and a barrage of sins,
I could no longer distinguish between truth or reality.
In games of a kid – rock paper scissors – nobody wins…
When merely breathing seems an exercise in futility.

I could no longer distinguish between truth or reality,
Drowning in a deep pool of denial every single night.
When merely breathing seems an exercise in futility…
I lifted my head, opened my eyes to the purest light.

Drowning in a deep pool of denial every single night,
Replaying the tape in countless loops inside my mind.
I lifted my head, opened my eyes to the purest light…
Finally, a place to rest and leave my troubles behind.

Replaying the tape in countless loops inside my mind,
Searching for answers, testing the limits of my sanity.
Finally, a place to rest and leave my troubles behind…
This was the beginning of my quest for serenity.

Searching for answers, testing the limits of my sanity,
Learning secrets of a dark world I didn’t want to know.
This was the beginning of my quest for serenity…
With the stark realization that I had to let you go.

Learning secrets of a dark world I didn’t want to know,
I slowly gained the strength to cast away the strife
With the stark realization that I had to let you go…
In time, you healed, bringing color back into my life.

I slowly gained the strength to cast away the strife;
I was stuck in the past, longing for yesterday.
In time, you healed, bringing color back into my life…
Between black and white, there lies a lot of gray.

This is a deca-pantoum poem dedicated to my son Vincent. Thank you to all my family and friends who knowingly (and unknowingly) supported our family with love and prayers during our journey…. I am eternally grateful.